Some people can look normal and even be popular in society and in their private lives they can be disgusting. You can't always tell.

during certain periods of my life, my mind feels like a cursed thing. sometimes i overthink so hard that my thoughts start to have their own thoughts and i feel like i have multiple brains working at the same time. this happens the most when i am especially overstimulated by many things going on around me. being overstimulated by the world around me sometimes gives me a rush, because my brain goes into pure overdrive, pure immersing myself full-throttle into my surroundings, making me forget my own self-consciousness. or is this just normal and how most people think? except i am aware of the way my frontal cortex, hippocampus, amygdala, nerves and all working together? the amygdala being aware of my surroundings, of sounds, of smells, of the particular way others are around me so that i can gauge how to interact: wary for signs of threat and where safety is. subconsciously striving for homeostasis in any particular environment. my frontal cortex navigating complex situations and problem solving, interactions, coming up with the perfect responses to different scenarios i run into. the description of how my amygdala and reptilian brain navigate through life only remind me of states of meditation. when i meditate i take in all the sensory input around me and condense it into a sort of relaxed hypnosis or taoist state, where thoughts float away like water. i feel boundless. i feel infinite. my brain and nerves work ad-infitinum just so i can experience life. is that not the most miraculous thing?

there's no words i can use to accurately describe what it feels like to have half of your mind still in touch with reality, at least enough to be somewhat self-aware that you are losing yourself, and the other half experiencing a full-fledged panic attack teetering on delusions and dreadful paranoia, fearful that others are out to hurt you and that seemingly small things are divine symbols and signs from God. i would say the closest description to this experience would be gilles deleuze and félix guattari's "Body Without Organs" (BWO):

there is a sort of disorganization of the ordinary structure of self. the feeling of panic verging on psychosis is both terrifying and involuntary, while the BWO is theorized as a philosophical/creative rupture.

intensity without form: the panic attacks are pure intensity, heart racing, sweating, terror. without a clear object. the BWO is described similarly: flows of energy without the usual organizing systems.

pattern overload/dissolution: in psychosis, pattern recognition overloads. everything connects to everything until meaning collapses. the BWO is also about undoing rigid connections to allow new ones.

ambivalence of freedom/terror: for deleuze & guattari, the BWO can be liberating or destructive. similarly, panic-psychosis feels like being annihilated (destructive), but also like touching some raw, unmediated reality. the feeling of touching another boundless reality no longer connected to social constructs and materiality is what terrified me, with the feeling of death and destruction leaving me off balance, unable to function in normal daily situations.

unmooring from the “self”: both experiences can involve losing the boundaries between self/world, inside/outside, control/uncontrol.

i do not like people who undermine my achievements. i do not like when people constantly complain about their life, or constantly hate themselves but do nothing to fix it or find any solutions. i do not want to be friends who make poor choices and then complain about the consequences of said choices. i do not like people who make excuses for themselves instead of becoming better. i do not like people who constantly gossip or talk badly of others. i do not like when someone's only hobbies are social media and consumerism. i do not like when people tell me the private business and secrets of others, disrupting my trust in them. i do not like people who make small digs at me as a "joke." i do not like people who treat me like their therapist. i do not like people who view life and interactions as transactional. i do not like when people constantly put themselves down and i awkwardly feel like i have to soft-parent them and compliment them, to no avail. i do not want to be friends with people who choose to stagnate and suffer in life and refuse to get help, no matter how supportive and kind i have been to them. i do not want to be friends with people who are envious of others and put down the achievements and success of others out of jealousy.

i have no tolerance for people who espouse racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, fatphobia, transphobia. i have no tolerance for people who are unabashadely rude and think it's cool and admirable to be hateful towards people for the smallest things. i do not want to be friends with someone who is obsessed with their ex and talks my ear off about how bad their ex is, instead of making better decisions rooted in self-love. i do not want to be around someone whose internalized misogyny is so deep that they feel threatened around pretty women, making me feel like i need to dull my own shine. i do not want friends who compete with women or feel the need to put another woman down for silly stuff like: flirting with your ex (why do you even care?). i do not want to be friends with people who have no standards for themselves. i genuinely want to have a better life for myself and i want people in my life who love and respect themselves. i feel so free and happy lately now that i have cut these friends out of my life. it's so peaceful when the toxicity of others isn't there to influence you. it has been a huge weight lifted off my chest

being a good friend does not mean i have to put up with people's negativity and let it exhaust me. being a good friend can also mean respecting myself by not enabling people, and putting myself first for once in my life. i am not ok with being in situations that drain and waste my time anymore. these people cannot be fixed by me and will not feel better no matter how much i validate them. there's a difference between being a good friend and listening to them, vs. being an unpaid therapist to someone who is deeply unhealthy and not being a good friend to me. i can't save people. they need professional help. i can be there for them yes, but not to the point it takes a toll on me. that is called a co-dependent relationship. sometimes people need a wake up call in order to get out of the loop of suffering they have created for themselves. sometimes people choose to continue to make poor decisions because it's easier than facing themselves and actually getting better, it gives them a sense of identity and confort to wallow in their own misery instead of making better decisions.

i have been empathetic ENOUGH. i have used all my emotional reserves to be there for people, to comfort people, to lend an ear, even when i know how dumb that person's decisions are and nothing i do or say could ever help them. i have always shut my mouth to be kind and supportive. but i am DONE. i am done not having boundaries my entire life.

i've been experimenting with my style lately and figuring out what looks best on me. i tried multiple times to cut my bangs into baby bangs. but every time, it makes me face look rounder and fatter, and overall look frumpy/silly to where i can't even take myself seriously in the mirror. short hair with baby bangs makes me look insanely young and cutesy to the point where i feel completely de-sexualized and unfeminine, basically less of a woman and more like a child. i realized that as much as i'd love to be the type of girl who's a true winter and can pull off baby bangs, mauve lipstick, and the color black, i was always meant for: side bangs, browns/creams/pastels, and hot pink/red lipstick. i just look silly with baby bangs, even though they are the epitome of what i feel i represent.

i've had to be more honest about the way i should style myself. yes i love wearing black but truthfully, the color black swallows me whole and overwhelms me. i look softer and cuter with browns, reds, and pastel colors. i was meant for a softer look rather than bold. i want to own a black rick owens leather jacket so badly, and i'm trying to figure out how i will pull that off? i think i still can: with dark red lipstick, leather boots, skinny trousers, and heavy black eyeliner. but most of all to take on my alter ego and throw away all sense of "demureness" "niceness" and care for the world. i noticed when i wear black something about it feels unnatural for me these days. i am not a winter in terms of color analysis. if i were to take my best guess, i'd say i'm more of a true summer.

what looks cute on me:
• cool browns, creams, ivory, peach, light pinks, lavender, baby blue, mint. i can pull off black *sometimes* depending on the way i style it and the fabric + fit
• silver jewelry, nothing rugged or heavy
• heels. heels. heels. and leather boots that are NOT chunky or platform
• my hair in a bun, or with slight waves
• side bangs, or bangs that are slightly pushed to the side
• hot pink lipstick, neutral red lipstick
• babydoll dresses, sweetheart necklines, anything flowy
• rectangular shaped glasses
• hoop earrings, pearl earrings
• pink blush
• mori-kei, sweet and classic lolita, himekaji, old-school jfashion, gyaru, cyberdoll, living doll aesthetic, visual kei, some y2k styles (*not* juicy couture or tacky neon colors), choco girl, coastal cowgirl or western styles (look oddly amazing on me)
• gothic: only if a lot of white colors are incorporated on top of OTT goth makeup (white foundation), otherwise it looks odd on me
• silver/glitter eyeshadow
• velvet fabrics, gobelin, wool, lace
• skirts that either end above the knee or mid-thigh

what looks off on me (or what i don't feel good wearing):
• coral colored makeup
• dark red, brown, mauve, nude, or warm toned lipsticks
• fishnets, heavily patterned fabrics, gold, mesh
• light colored contacts
• circle-shaped glasses
• plum colors and jewel tones
• mermaidcore/coconut girl, most goth styles, office siren, avant garde, visual kei, bohemian, cottagecore, e-girl, fairy grunge, kidcore, dark academia, clean girl. coquette or dollette (oversaturated and giving shein/fast fashion)
• baggy pants
• chunky platforms, sneakers, ballet flats
• v-necks, denim jackets, bell bottoms
• any dark, warm-toned, neon, or heavy eyeshadow
• most false eyelashes (sadly make my eyes look smaller or droopier, can weigh my face down and make me look old)
• baby bangs or a middle part
• most bodycon dresses or bodycon skirts, and anything showing a lot of cleavage
• olive greens and khakis
• maxi skirts, long skirts. always makes me look shorter and frumpy
• anything trendy or fast fashion. streetwear.

"Thou shalt not wear raschel-topped socks with a torchon lace blouse"

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i haven't been reading any books lately, as i seem to have misplaced my kindle. i'm realizing i vastly prefer non-fiction over fiction but the tradeoff is that non-fiction is more difficult for me to digest and takes longer for me to read. i like the idea of being the type of girl who reads fiction books by kafka and dostoevsky, but naturally i gravitate more towards neitszche, simone de beauvoir, freude, and carl jung... i love love love existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.

i'm really excited to go to fanime tomorrow for the j-fashion / lolita event! i'm debating whether i should wear my Symphonia of Birds coord or my Dream Fantastic Balloon coord. I'm hoping to buy a few accessories + jewelry, attend the EGL fashion show, take lots of pics, and go to an underground rave after.

"you're too nice, you're too sweet"

my response: everything in our society is designed to destroy compassion and empathy because if you suddenly understood all the suffering in the world and your interconnectedness to it all, you'd fall to your knees and weep in the streets.

you said my stare was too intense. i stare because i want to see you, i want my pupils to be your nest. i want your pupils to be my nest. i want to crawl inside you so that you finally understand. so that we're not alone. so that you finally see me. my deepest need is to be seen, because i see everything

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in terms of "practical adult life", i have become aware of how unabashedly horrible with money i am. first, i have a shopping addiction, and before working i would usually thrift with the little allowance i had. now, i have an income and in the span of one week i have spent over $1000 on fashion alone, here is what i bought:

List in order:
• Moi Meme Moitie Lace Pattern OTKs ~ $49
• Dolls Party - Newspaper Doll Pillowcase purse ~ $30
• BTSSB Little Red Riding Hood Rosy Cape ~ $76
• Black Peace Now Bustier Vest ~ $108
• L'est Rose Fairycore Babydoll Dress ~ $66
• Irregular Choice Women's Brown Boots ~ $551
• Moi Meme Moitie Cotton Lace Pintuck OP ~ $294
• Metamorphose Flower Lace Coat with Cape ~ $96
• Generaiderz Magazine Issue 3 ~ $30

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i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.

Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:

Some other things I recently bought:
• Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
• BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
• BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.

i like
• the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
• people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
• peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning

i dislike
• obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
• people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
• over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...

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oh look! i found my old blog

i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.

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• that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
• romanticizing small and mundane things
• the album: velocity : design : comfort...

• being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
• the term "coquette"
• "networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.

when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.

i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"

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the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!

i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.

this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.

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i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.

i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!

the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.

i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.

:3 nvm i feel better

"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth

as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.

for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...

today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.

1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.

2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.

today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.